Dad jokes are evolving. Some are getting funnier. And some are actually getting worse.
But Dad jokes are a staple in our lives. We need them like we need air to breathe.
Hours have been spent on seeking out the 50 best Dad jokes on Twitter. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy these funny and not-so-funny Dad jokes.
Dad Jokes Twitter
1. Next Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week
Runs until Friday
2. I accidentally drank invisible ink
I’m now in the hospital waiting to be seen
3. Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic
Me: But my name isn’t David
Doctor: I know. I’m David
4. Some trees are committed to one romantic relationship at a time
They practice mahogany
5. My son asked me what procrastinate means
I said: “I’ll tell you later.”
6. Today my doctor told me I was color blind
That really came out of the purple
7. Can I still impress you with a joke about the Titanic?
Or has that ship sailed?
8. If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs
9. Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn’t – it used the sidewalk
10. My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today
“It tastes like dirt!”
I told him it was just ground this morning
11. What happens when you cross an angry sheep, and an angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaad moood
12. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
13. As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy
I’m galactose intolerant
14. My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
15. I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”
It means a lot
16. I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubricants were
She said they were in the non-friction section
17. I am starting a charity to teach short people math
It’s called “making the little things count”
18. I can’t believe I paid $300 to rent a limo without realizing the rental doesn’t include a driver
Now I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it!
19. My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
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20. Don’t use double negatives
They’re a big no no
21. My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what she said in her diary
22. When you die, what is the last part of your body to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
23. It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house
So I got her a magazine rack
24. I can’t believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission
That makes me sick
25. Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn’t where they be long
26. Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent for predicting what’s inside a wrapped present
It’s a gift
27. My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
28. What do a car and a golfer have in common?
They both need drivers
29. Our baby tried to use a calculator as a teether earlier
Me: He probably shouldn’t chew on that
Wife: It’s fine. He’s just crunching some numbers
30. What happens when you rearrange two of the letters in the word “nuclear”?
It’s unclear
31. Where do you store dad jokes?
In a dadabase
32. Whoever named the dad bod missed a perfect opportunity
He should have called it a “father figure”
33. I don’t understand the hate lazy people get…
They didn’t do anything
34. Ever overcook a Hawaiian pizza?
Should have put it on Aloha temperature
35. You can never tell jokes to a kleptomaniac
They always take things, literally
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36. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me
37. My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels
He’s the Spokesman
38. How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen
39. I find the history of ship building riveting
40. My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy
What planet is she on?
41. I’ve forgotten all my boomerang jokes
I’m sure they’ll come back to me
42. Professional mirror photography is a job I could really see myself doing
43. What days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days
44. I was just looking at my ceiling
Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there
45. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
46. I used to have a job collecting leaves
I was raking it in
47. What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
48. Shout out to my grandma, that’s the only way she can hear
49. What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated
50. I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years
I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously
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